Getting over the "they"

Has it really been so long that I have written or said anything of any substance? I have to admit in truth that I have shied away from writing anything that has any weight because I have been advised otherwise. The "they" of business society informed me that it was a bad executive choice to be authentic or share too much about my personal beliefs. For the last six months I have faltered between believing that I am brave enough to weather any kind of storm and believing that I have everything to lose from the wrong swipe of a pen, or in this case a keyboard.

The truth is since my trip to India last December I've held back a lot. While I was there I fell in love with sitting up at night locked in the silence of a hotel room where I could pour my heart into random thoughts on the screen that I thought no one would read. Sadly, some of those posts are now erased because of the "they." When I came home I was shocked to find out that so many people actually read my blog. Its amazing to find out that you may have many, many more "followers" than your blog might lead you believe. The amount of people that asked me to continue to write because I was able speak some small piece of their voice was astounding and shocking.  Others followed my stories mostly out of human curiosity and others because they felt obligated as my friends and family. Regardless of the reason when I took a count, there were well over 100 people I knew reading these posts.  That's scary. So when I came home I asked the "they" their opinion of such popularity - and as such I stopped writing.

Until last week.

I went back through musings I didn't publish after India. Half written comparisons of life to shoes, my feelings about being silenced, my thoughts on occasionally drinking too much wine, or crying in the middle of the day over despair for things beyond my control. I read each one to my lover and to myself, only to realize that there was still the same voice I had while I was away - the only difference was that she/me couldn't finish a complete thought because she/me didn't have the permission.... because "they" told her not to.

I wonder at what point my good Catholic upbringing became so imprinted on my persona that under the outward persona of fierce independence I actually was still the child that said "yes ma'am, no ma'am, and excuse me."  I went through a phase as a child where I apologized to inanimate objects if I bumped into them. Now I find as an adult that I am just bumping into the contents of my own head.

So to my readers - I'm sorry. I know the dribble for the last few months has been boring. Sure, the playlists and announcements that promote my popularity as a movement teacher are lovely and all, especially if you know me and I am lucky enough to have you as one of my supporters. But in the haze of this field of creative movement, it's really mindless garbage and not what really most of us are thinking about.  In some horrible business-driven mentality, it's almost as if when you don't speak your truth you are somehow better. Especially (and sadly) in the field of holistic wellness. It is easy for us as a society that constantly strives to "be better" to assume that anyone who has  a nice public persona is "perfect" and therefore we should aspire to be them. As if the Gaiam poster child is something we can all obtain. So we don't talk about it. Or worse for those of us who write and teach in the field we end up talking about our lives in some other third person narrative as if we aren't actually talking about ourselves.  For me, enough is enough.... time to write again.

Happy Independence Day!

'Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to do good.' -Thomas Paine