I left my heart in Varanasi: Bal Ashram

Right now I want a floruescent pink t-shirt with 1980’s bubble lettering that says, “I left my heart in Varanasi.” Leaving the ashram yesterday I was misty eyed to say the least. Kamla, the mother of this ashram who keeps everything running smoothly with her lovely husband Lokna, took me around to say goodbye and be acknowledged by every single person. The heart breaking pieces of course were hugging all the children goodbye, and saying goodbye to Kamla as she placed a sacred garland of flowers over my head. Babaji, his assistant Shivani (who is in my mind the goddess of everything associated with all ashram happenings here and in Sonoma), and my beloved harmonium and voice teacher Tiwariji said our goodbyes early this morning. They were off to a girl’s school two hours away to give a lecture. Tiwariji who comes from a long line of Brahman (priest caste) sent me off with gorgeous crystal mala beads (prayer beads) he had been saving, and instructions on how to prepare them for use, Shivani with words of wisdom, and Babaji with a blessing and a talisman of sorts for protection. The love here is overflowing and it simply radiates from everyone. Its impossible to not become completely engulfed.

I’ve also fallen in love with the city. For as filthy and nuts as it is, there is something charming about the sheer chaos of it. It seems like “real” India to me, and a little more of what I expected to find. Wild ranting holy men, school children packed into rickshaws, cows in the middle of a two lane road, processionals of the deceased cast against the lavish preparations for a wedding. Riding down the Ganges at sunrise is magic, young street children running along side my boat crying out “Namaste! Namaste!” Varanasi is beauty and the beast.

This morning, I began the initiation of guru/disciple in the Aghor tradition. Though I have been involved with the ashram for about five years, and studying with Babaji (real name Harihar Ramji), I had yet until today to officially accept him as my guru, and he to take me as his student. Guru translates as “teacher.” The initiation process is less theological and cult like than it may sound. Initiation really means a dedication to the philosophies of the ashram and an honoring of the relationship of teacher and student. While steeped in Hinduism (this is India after all) it is without specific religious affiliation. This said, it does accept the simple principle that there is a divine presence - but we are (or have the potential to be) that divine presence. In other words, self and that thing you can’t describe that seems bigger than you are in actuality one in the same, regardless of if you call it God, Allah, Brahma or simply that ‘ah-ha’ moment. I have known that we are all interconnected for a long time. Once in a very deep meditation about six years ago, I witnessed my body split open on a hinge that divided me into right and left halves, inside was everything, the whole universe - and I could see every single detail of it. It was indescribable. From that moment forward I have known in my heart without question, we are all truly, completely, intimately, connected.

I have been given a short, beautiful and sacred practice by Babaji which I will do every day without excuses for the rest of my life. When I feel ready to receive a mantra specific to me, I will ask Babaji and he can accept or refuse. After receiving the mantra our relationship is sealed, and he is indebted to pass on all the knowledge he has in the Aghor tradition, and I to faithfully continue to practice. It will be a slow lifelong process, each lesson given as I am the student am ready to accept it and he the teacher is ready to give it. It is no different than learning music. You cannot compose a symphony until you first learn a scale. In both the Aghor tradition, and in my harmonium playing I am learning the scale, one gorgeously rich and sometimes painful note at a time. It is quite beautiful this relationship of teacher to student, and an ancient one. For westerners it may be easier to think of it in terms of a mentorship. I am honored to be a small part of this incredible lineage.

Ashram life is very busy, it is not simply meditating or doing asana (yoga postures) all day as one might think. In fact far from it. The place begins stirring around 5am, the children are up by six and reciting mantra (chanting/prayer) by 6:45. They circumambulate the temple, and if Babaji is in the straw hut next to the temple they go for Satsang (discussion led by the guru) for a few moments. We, the staff and volunteers begin our morning meditation by 7:15am, then go sit with Babaji. Sometimes we just talk, or he asks questions, other times he has pearls of wisdom or something specific to discuss. For his part, Babaji will continue to receive and speak with people from the village and community all day, discussing everything to politics, life at home, to offering advice. This is all done in between meetings with his staff. He is very present in all projects at the ashram. It is amazing how many people come to pay their respects or seek counsel every day. Some just come to sit in the temple. One man in particular struck me as notable, he comes everyday twice a day to do puja (prayer). During these times, he cries out “Baba” which means “father” over and over. We can all imitate it - it kind of makes you smile, as it goes on several hours a day, these are the times where your ipod comes in handy.

After breakfast everyone does Seva (selfless service) till lunch while the children are at school. My seva was gardening, which I can already see some of you snickering at. I wasn’t allowed to actually plant anything after admitting to my black thumb, but I did weeding, and a lot of work with the mixing and spreading compost, which involved putting my hands right into “sacred cow” dung and mixing it with the compost base. As someone who as a child had an OCD issue that involved washing my hands till they bled after using the bathroom, this is probably about the worst thing in the world to assign me to do. But my filter on cleanliness has changed since being here…Plus, my friend Sarah, gardener extraordinaire, tells me that cow dung is actually quite clean….oh good - that makes it so much better. In India cow droppings (which are EVERYWHERE) are considered usable for fueling fire, compost, building walls and floors. Oh the sacred cow. I don‘t think there is an ounce of OCD left in me anywhere after this trip. Did I mention my toilet the whole time at the ashram was a squat toilet? Believe it or not, I actually think I prefer them now. I also have fallen in love with bucket showers… try it sometime - fill a bucket with hot water, wash yourself from the bucket. Then take the hot wet full size bath towel wrap yourself up in it, refill the bucket with hot water and use a large cup to pour hot water over your head while you soap and wash your hair. Even better if someone else does it for you. Yum.

Anyways - onto cleaner topics - the afternoons are varied - everyone takes rest from 1 - 3 (which is lovely and something I hope to implement at home). The children have chores, seva, homework, music lessons. I buzzed around them helping with homework or taking pictures. Then at 6:15 we all do Arati together, the sacred daily ritual that involves chanting, acknowledgement of the five elements and group satsang again with Babaji. Baba often talks to the children during this time, quizzing them on everything from math to English. At the last satsang I attended Tiwariji read all of their book reports (including some of the staff who sweetly wrote them as well). The questions were related to the idea of “what is an ashram?.“ The chef made everyone laugh with his essay which started out with, “the Ashram is not a hotel…. Everyone should wash their dishes” Babaji asked the children why during the ceremony of Arati we bow and touch our heads to the temple floor. They were a little stumped, his answer, “to let your problems roll off your shoulders. All your stress all your worries go. You give it all back.” I thought this was particularly beautiful. This is what being around him is like. Light and love.

I never believed in the idea of the guru before Babaji, now I can’t imagine any other way. It was hard for me to accept that such a thing as enlightened beings exist in today’s world. But to be in his presence, it simply makes the world a better place. As I explained to a seeker, “whether you believe in the idea of guru or not doesn’t matter. This man is kind, a good man, and he is changing the world, one person at a time. He is dedicated his life to serving others. That is what matters.” To give it tangible words for those of you who might not understand, I imagine it would have been like hanging out with Mother Teresa or Ghandi. A life devoted to service and the betterment of all of mankind. You know the saying, “it takes a village…“ that is the philosophy of an ashram. I believe we do not have to walk the path to a rich life alone. When we are in community with others who hold similar philosophy and similar goals, creating change becomes easier and more bountiful. This is what every yoga studio, religious institute, and retreat center in the world is striving for - some more successful than others. It is my opinion that success as community has everything to do with ego. A boastful institution where there is power struggle all the time never accomplishes anything. I see that played out in government organizations, and often sadly in our religious institutions time and time again. This ashram and it’s community is egoless, the change it creates in the world is some of the fastest paced and most result filled I have ever witnessed.

The philosophies of ashram life are simple.

~ Dedicated to recognizing the divine within yourself
~ Dedication to family
~ Dedication to sadhana (daily practice)
~ Dedication to seva (selfless service)

The Aghor tradition is one that is dedicated to selfless service to the needs of humanity. This ashram in particular is heavily steeped in serving mankind through holistic means. Because they are too numerous to mention, I am outlining some of the major projects below. I would also like to add that all of this has been accomplished in 10 years. Unbelievable.

1. The elimination of the caste system in India. At the ashram everyone is treated as equals. In particular one man comes to mind, from the lowest of low of the classes, the ashram has provided him a safe space to share his immense talents. He is an artist, craftsman, and all around general good soul who can do and fix just about everything, the world would of never known if he hadn‘t been given a chance. The man who drove my boat down the river Ganges who didn’t speak any English, was welcomed into the ashram for breakfast. The taxi drivers stay for tea. There are no divides.

2. The empowerment of women. Not only does the ashram employ strong women, but one if its projects which I am quickly becoming intimately connected with is Project Shakti, which once we have the funding, become a home for abused women. This home will hopefully be attached or near the ashram. Abuse of all kinds (psychological, physical, sexual) is a major, major problem here. I mentioned some about it in a previous post. There are few options for women here, especially those with little education. Most the safe houses created are only stopping points that may provide counseling and therapy, but do little to help remove women from abusive situations. Suicide rates among women and children are shocking. I spent some time searching out residential safe houses in India for women. They are few and far between. This will serve as a pilot model for hopefully other institutions to be created. While the ashram cannot currently provide housing for women, they have already begun a vocational program to teach women who are poor. For now, there is a sewing school that has opened. There is hope to also teach these women to clean houses, and cook. Perhaps eventually to learn basic English which will increase their employment opportunities (which is the second language here). While these may seem like low paying jobs, you must realize these women have little to no education, and this is a stepping stone to freedom. Project Shakti will also allow the ashram to house more abandoned babies, and to help put an end to baby killing. I recently encountered a young mother who is unmarried. She has tried to kill her baby several times. As a single mother, she has no education, no options, no vocation, and no chance of marrying. Without a baby, she can lie and at least hope for marriage. She is living in an abusive situation with family and has no way out. Her story is the same story of many, many women here. She still has light in her eyes. These are the women we can try to help before the light goes out. Project Shakti is under my skin, and I hope to lend a heavy hand in getting it underway. Please let me know if you would like to donate or be involved. I am open to fundraising ideas and suggestions.

3. A safe home and education for children living in poverty on the streets of Varansi
My friend Melanie who recently visited here, remarked in her blog that she expected to arrive to a space with dirty uneducated children, and instead found well groomed, eloquent, well behaved children. It couldn’t be more true. The ashram currently has 16 boys of varying ages living here residentially and one girl. All of the children have arrived through a connection with a government agency. The little girl Vidya (now 4) and her brother Indra (now 2) are the only two who were dropped off at the home. They were found living on the streets. Their parent’s had died, and Vidya who is a strong willed little girl that captured my heart, was quite literally raising her brother Indra. Soham, the young boy whose education and needs we pay for through Rasamaya and Dover Yoga, was brought to the ashram by the agency. He didn’t speak for almost a year. No one knows for sure, but they are fairly certain he was physically abused. He is shy still, and sweet and sensitive. The first time he threw his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek I almost broke into tears. He asks very direct pointed questions, “Who are your parents? Where do they live? When are you coming back?” These children are bright and articulate. The hope is not that they become engineers, bankers and architects - though that is certainly not discouraged - but rather that they grow up to be good men, who respect women, as well as people from all walks of life. Last year, a school was created on the property to help meet the needs not only of the boys but also the community. Quality education is a problem in Varanasi as well. In a year it has grown from 35 to over 120+ students. The children are given uniforms, and they pay tuition on a sliding scale. The teachers, who are amazing dedicated individuals, all come from a program called Alice which is having huge, huge success rates in India. Alice is a philosophy system, that teaches students the importance of opening their minds and realizing that all knowledge is already within. The success rate of students in this program is amazing.

In addition to the school, some of the older boys and the staff make visits weekly if possible to a government run orphange. This space has been referred to as a ‘children’s prison.” Children are pulled off the street, and thrown into this orphanage. The living situation is atrocious, they cannot leave until there are 18. The situation there is dire, and the education is horrible. The reality is, they would be better off on the street. It is truly that bad from what I hear. When released, most of these children will go back to a life on the streets. There is little to be done, except try to bring some sunshine into their lives on a weekly basis. I tried to visit when I was here, but could not go because of regulations of who can be admitted.

4. Doc Eye & Vision Varanasi. Someone should give this man a Nobel Peace Prize. An eye doctor from London, he dedicates three months of every year to setting up an eye clinic at the ashram. His office is his bedroom. He is open several days of the week, and locals from Varanasi come to the free clinic to have their eyes examined. His room is filled with 100’s of pairs of glasses brought by his assistant, a local doctor who works at the hospital. Normally, the crowd is of limited size (still astronomical - close to 100 patients a day), but on Christmas day they just open up the gates for anyone. Last year they saw 400 people, this year they expect at least 600. He works tirelessly, and we affectionately refer to him as “Doc Eye.” He is jovial, light hearted, and honest. He and I hit it off, and I miss talking with him already. I spent some time during my visit in his clinic photographing and observing. Half the time he had to make an educated guess. One woman needed surgery, chances are - she won’t get it. So he gave her drops and sent her on her way with instructions and hope for the best. Another old woman couldn’t hear, and didn’t speak local dialect. They made a guess for her prescription, when she put on the new glasses she started to cry and then touched everyone’s feet in the room in gratitude, including mine. A younger woman who had an incredibly high prescription needed new glasses, that would be custom made for free by the hospital. She grabbed my hands, motioning to her clothes and mine, repeating the same word over and over. I couldn’t understand what she was pleading that I comprehend - I had it translated by the local doctor… she was asking for small frames. I smiled at her vanity, recognizing it as my own with my own high script. I gave her hands a squeeze and we all got a chuckle out of it and promised her small frames. I asked Doc how much of his work is a guessing game, and he said “we help the ones we can help. There are just so many.”

5. Eco - village Varanasi. A large plot of land has been purchased on the opposite river bank from the ashram. It is a work in progress, but most of the land has been cleared and it will serve as not only a garden but also an educational facility to teach about sustainability to the local community. Farming organically has all but disappeared from Indian villages with giant batches of DET and other pesticides being used on crops (shipped over none the less from the USA - ever wonder where all that stuff goes once our country declares it ‘unsafe‘ for our citizens? Now you know). Also garbage is a major issue here. Even at the ashram, what can be recycled is, and there is compost, but all other garbage simply has to be burned. Burning is still more sustainable than the alternative preferred by most Indian people to just throw their garbage into the roadside or hillside. Seeing past the trash to the real beauty of India has been the most difficult part of coming here. There are no garbage trucks or waste management facilities, at least not as we think of them. As India becomes more and more westernized the mentality is shifting to “more, more.” Many no longer know how to live off the land. Kamla, who has been in India for a long time, says that the India she knew 10 years ago, is very different than the India today. The problem there, is that the resources aren’t present for how to deal with the increased consumer consumption attitude. Even the green initiative here, which is all over the news, is more focused on how can we produce more energy, more effectively so we can have more, rather than how can we utilize and change the structures already in place. The children of the ashram are already learning to garden, but hopefully this eco-village will give them more tools to eventually become teachers and leaders in the community.

An objective list for the eco-village is being created during Babaji’s time here. Things as simple as theft and security need to be addressed. Last year a small fence was put up around the crops, however animals and some locals came and took much of the produce. Also there is an issue of irrigation. While a pump has been installed, means on how to most effectively water the large plots of land are being discussed.


As I said, there is much in the works here. Change in the world begins in the heart, and from there it spreads one person at a time. It is high time for us all to look within ourselves and start to make a call for change. I don’t believe we can continue the way we are for much longer. It is time to get back to the earth, back to community, and back to the things in life that really matter. Now back to searching for my “I left my heart in Varanasi” t-shirt.