The Deafening Sound of Poverty.

The poverty here is deafening. That is the word that keeps coming up when I try to think of how to describe it. It shouts out at you from every single city block, every corner, every side street, and every monument. I cannot even begin to describe it. I am trying to capture it on film, but until you experience it firsthand there are really no words. There is housing constructed of old pieces of machinery, boxes and fabric on every single road. People wandering barefoot through sewage and oceans of garbage. Children are playing in trash alongside filthy goats, pigs, monkeys, and cows, while running up to your car beating on your window begging. One little boy yesterday - with clear green eyes that looked right through me - just held his hands up and stared. It was apparent he was mentally challenged. I had to close my eyes and look away. I knew coming to India I had to be thick skinned about it, not give money, less compromise my safety in the swarm that it creates. Still, I feel guilty, that I'm not doling out to every open hand. In trying to not be a ridiculously cautious tourist I felt the need to confirm this "no giving money to the poor" idea today with both my guide and my driver. They told me it’s true, that you simply cannot give money to the beggars. But today my heart shattered into a million pieces. Outside of the Amber Fort while walking towards my driver, I was approached by two children in ragged clothing, the older boy could not possibly have been older than 7, and the little girl no more than 4. As I walked they ran ahead of me the boy instructing the little girl to “go, go!” This little pig tailed filthy bundle of love would get a few paces ahead of me and then as if she had no spine at all go into a full backbend and then stand on her head and flip back over. Again and again and again… like a trained monkey. The whole time crying, “madam, madam, watch.” Thank god for big sunglasses to hide my watering eyes. Being a single white American woman here in a patriarchal society I am a moving target at all times. I have to keep a constant guard up, even with my beloved driver I've had to be stern with (who is now making inappropriate sexual comments I'm afraid). I have to be resolved in my demands stating them several times almost anytime I have one, and seem somewhat cold and distant to stay safe. Sanjay remarked that I don’t seem to be very emotional. I told him it was from running my own business for ten years. What he doesn’t see is me crying in my hotel room at night, my heart hurts, it just physically aches...

Jaipur could be beautiful if it weren’t for the fact everything is so run down and covered in trash. But it’s like that everywhere - so you begin to try to look past it. Yesterday I was drinking something that was supposed to be coffee in a Styrofoam cup. When I was done Sanjay asked for my cup, so I handed it to him not knowing he was going to roll down the window and toss it into the street. That’s how it is here. And everyone, I mean everyone is looking for a dime. In a restaurant today without asking a little boy came up to my table and performed a cute traditional dance from Rajasthan. Before I tipped him, (because I had no choice not to as he stood there waiting) I asked to take his picture. He didn’t approach the other tables this way. This seems to happen everywhere I go. Like I said, I’m a sitting duck. A woman holding a baby caught me taking her picture from elephant today, she chased after me crying, “money, money, you took my picture.” I finally lost it on the tourist scam today in a shop in downtown Jaipur, which I was taken to without my permission. They do a lovely job of showing you how they make things, the batik prints, the polished jewelry, but then you are wrangled through 12 rooms all of different handicrafts. Which sounds divine, except you are absolutely expected to buy despite there “no haggling, no bartering” signs posted everywhere. It took an hour and a half to get out of there and I wasn’t even through room six. I finally lost my temper in the textile room, and said “that’s it fellas, I have had enough, I am done shopping and I will think about it.” They actually called after me, “but ma’am you haven’t bought anything.” When I got outside I let my guide and my driver have a few words too. It's really tough here. Great beauty juxtaposed against the backdrop of immense poverty. I think you give money where you can, support who you can, and if you succeed in making a difference in at least one person's life, than you have lived well. At least this is what I have to believe, especially here.

As I write this from the roof of my hotel, there are kites flying in the sky all over Jaipur. It gives me hope, and I offer my prayers up to the heavens...

p.s. On a happier note - The Amber Fort is one of the most beautiful architectural sites I have ever seen. And I met the most lovley artist today named Ram, at the Capital Palace. They have a gallery of all original handicrafts from artists admired by the Royal Family. I bought four of his paintings as gifts, and he drew me an elephant for luck on the back of my ticket, blessed me, and threw in an extra painting of an elephant for free. These are the moments I will treasure.